Calm the f*ck down.

People in my neighborhood spend an inordinate amount of time worrying about the gunshots that they hear. I do not worry. Coming from Oakland, gunshots are like taxes, or rain or any other inconveinient, yet inevitable, occurence. You hear them all the time. When you do, you say: "Wow, that sounded close." and then you go back to washing the dishes. People here seem to think that gunshots mean that an army of supervillians have you surrounded in your house and are coming to kill you. Here are some comforting facts for you wingnuts:

1. Gunshots are seldom a random occurence. People shoot people for a variety of reasons, but it is extremely rare that someone would just randomly decide to roll up on your ranch house and pop a cap in yo' ass.

2. Nobody, I repeat, nobody is out to get you. The neighborhood is not turning into a war zone. There are no terrorists living among us. All your plastic shit that you bought at WalMart, contributing to our economic collapse, is probably safe.

3. The proper response to gunfire is not, contrary to popular thinking, to buy a gun. You wouldn't buy a cobra to protect you from the cobra in your house, right?

4. Somebody has already called the police. You can just roll over and go back to sleep.

5. Unless the helicopter is shining the searchlight at your house, it's not about you.

6. Finally, if you really want to cut down on the number of gunshots you hear, get off your fat, lazy ass and volunteer for an organization that gives teenagers an alternative to gangs. Big Brothers / Big Sisters comes to mind. There are 100 boys on the waiting list right now waiting to be matched.